If You Should Go (Letter from Alexis)
by bluemoonbabe
Summary: This is a letter written from Alexis to Julian about what she's been thinking.


~If You Should Go~

Julian,

There was a time when I was terrified at the thought of falling in love, but now I have worse fears. I tremble with trepidation at thought that you may one day leave me. Not leave me literally, but metaphorically.

I've already left you an innumerable amount of times, yet I have always come back to you. I've come to love you so much, that I'm not able to imagine my life without you. No matter how much I have suffered, it was worth all the suffering to be with you, because we suffer together. I know all too well that when this storm breaks, I will see the sunlight shining through the grey clouds in the sky, and you will be standing there and all will be well once more. Maybe another tempest will follow, a hurricane or what tragedies have you, but we will persevere and we will survive. Nothing in this world can extinguish the flames between you and me.

When I see you rotting in a jail cell my heart breaks. But what else should I expect of a man immersed in a life of crime? Your mobster tendencies have made me crazy; they drive me to you and away from you. I want so much more for you, Julian. I know how compassionate, how caring, how sensitive and loving you can be. That is what makes you sexy. All of the human feelings beneath the arrogance and bad-boy air, that is what I am attracted to.

I remember watching you play with our grandson and smiling to myself; my heart would skip a beat and I would wonder what it would have been like to raise Sam with you… But that chance is long gone, and now what we have to focus on is what we want. I want you, Julian. Only you. It was never Ned, or Ted, or Prepster, or whatever name you know him by. But to have you, there is so much that needs to happen. I need to learn to trust again; to trust you. That cannot happen without you ridding yourself from the mob completely. I can never see you in a jail cell ever again, or I swear it will kill me.

But it is inevitable. No man who was once in the mob will ever truly be out of it. Even though I know this, I have not come to terms with it—because I want to believe that you're an exception. I know that one day I may visit you in Pentonville, and I will see you in your prison-jumpsuit. I'll come pokerfaced, but leave with tears in my eyes. I'll think the words, "I love you," but I will never say them to your face while you're behind bars. Julian, I know there will come a day when you will fail me completely, but oh dear God, I'm so sure that there will come a day that I will forgive you completely.

The twinkle in your dark eyes and your lopsided smile has made me a believer. Your deep, sultry voice whispering words into my ears that I have never thought I would hear before in the entirety of my life have made me a believer. I believe that you can redeem yourself, and I am filled with a ceaseless supply of hope that you will take the chances you get to do so.

I remember the first night we made love in over three decades. I remember the goosebumps that appeared on my skin as you tempted me to take a chance. I followed you blindly, blinded by both love and lust. It was the best chance I had ever taken in my entire life. Now it's time for you to take your chance; do this for me—become a better man. All of the makings of a beautiful human being are already in you. The only entity that taints you is the mob.

But if you should go to Pentonville, and you have betrayed my trust and crushed my hopes, I will continue to believe and hope that you will come out a better man. If you should go, I shall visit you to scold you, and I hope that my visits will remind you of how much I love you. If you should go, a part of me will die, only to be reborn when you are out. IF you should go; I pray that you will realize all of your mistakes and do everything in your power to reverse them. If you should go, do not forget that I pushed you away to save you, not to break you. If you should go, never let it slip out of your memory: I love you.

Yours Forever,

Alexis


End file.
